Thriving and Living.
Learning to breathe and rant
“I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” — Michael Jordan
The time is 7 pm, a day after February’s lovers’ day. I’m sipping the red wine my best friend got for me as I type. What’s a valentine's day package without red wine?
This year has been one with lots of drama and emotions flying around, but I’m still here. My birth month, January came with a roller-coaster of emotions, and I felt the need to write about it. My name is Mariam, and this is me spilling the tea about myself. It’s not snitching, is it?
I remember not being motivated to partake in any task during the holidays last year. Back then an acquaintance encouraged me to try Lagos Model United Nations, a conference where people get to represent a country as a delegate and proffer solutions to world problems. “What do you have to lose?” He said.
I gave it a try and at the end of the conference, I couldn’t help but reflect on the journey. I thought about how I left the registration tab open for days, always scared to click the ‘submit’ button; how I felt the urge to spend my registration fee on malted-cream flavoured ice cream; how I didn’t feel confident about my Position paper; and how I laughed at the promise by a friend to get me a bottle of wine if I won an award. That night, I looked at my Position paper award and I whispered to myself, “you did that!” In case you were wondering, I got tipsy on sweet rose wine later that night.
After LMUN, I asked myself, ‘what next?’ I felt I was lagging behind. I had no goals to achieve. All I had to my name was a law degree in prospect and a business the economy was dealing with. So I joined the blog team in my faculty. Out of the blue, I also bought the forms for the Mooting Society and Alternate Dispute Resolution Society, prestigious societies in the Faculty of Law, University of Lagos. I worked on my essays, practised for my interviews, and endeavoured to stay motivated while at it. I had my mind on these goals and was hoping to get in, so I could tick them off my list as achievements. I imagined seeing my name on top of the list even before the interview.
In the blink of an eye, it was D-Day, I went for my interviews dressed corporate, on a weekend. Just imagine. I anticipated the results, my birthday, tests, and other things. I low-key hoped that getting into these societies will be my birthday gift to myself.
But life happens while you make other plans.
I got the first disappointment on the eve of my birthday, I missed the cut-off by 5.2 points. I was disappointed, but I didn’t show it. I claimed to be okay because I was hoping I will get better news soon.
It’s the 24th of January. Yay! A new age for me. I got cake and celebrated with my friends. Then life happened once again. I didn’t make the ADR list. I missed by 2 points this time. The tears were there, but I held them back. If there is one thing I’m known for, it’s not showing emotions or ranting as normal people would do. I’m the ‘strong friend’ that listens and manages to always be there, but being vulnerable when I’m at my lowest point is foreign to me. This time around, I felt I had let down my friends and roommates because they were rooting for me. I needed to hear ‘I’m proud of you regardless’ from someone, but what was the point? I wouldn’t have accepted it.
I knew I needed to vent. I was at that point when you know that you have a lot of pent-up emotions that need to be released in a good cry sesh, but the right time never came, so I patronized other vices. I picked alcohol, partying, and movies. I felt these will make me forget or at least take my mind off the aching in my heart. I thought the tears will go away and there won’t be a need to cry. Still, I couldn’t stop the random wave of sadness that would hit me out of the blue. I considered myself a sad soul in a small body.
I did not expect tears the day they visited. My eyes were extremely wet, and I did not bother to dry them. I had an issue with my bank, but the frustration hit a nerve and the pain filtered through the interstice of my ‘hard guy’ front. I made the customer service agent my therapist. I wonder if she still thinks about me. I was overwhelmed, and I did not know how to act. I called my mum for the first time in a long time to rant, cried for approximately six hours that day, and couldn’t tell anyone why. I knew I was crying not just because of the bank issue but all the disappointments, heartbreak, and pent-up emotions I had experienced. I am grateful for my best friend, friends, and roommates because I got all the support I did not know I needed from them. I used to live by the mantra ‘no matter how positive you try to be, leave room for disappointments,’ and I guess I have to hold on to this.
Now, there’s no society, no work experience, no new goal in sight to achieve, no programming skills or NFT to sell. I feel idle and unserious sometimes, and there are times I feel like a failure because I can’t even point to one significant thing I’m engaged in. On some days, I believe in the late bloomer theory, but how long will that last?
I know there are people dealing with disappointments right now, and I’m here to tell you not to give up. Do not let anyone, not even your subconscious, make you feel less or insignificant. You will get exactly where you want to be. I know it’s hard to see what others are achieving while you’re stuck on one thing or nothing. I believe there are better days ahead. We just need to relax and look within, it will get clearer. Don’t forget to rant, when necessary. Trust me, you are not disturbing the person until they say so. My friend made me understand this, and I’m grateful that someone is ready to listen to me rant any day, anytime. I hope I listen to my advice too and not pull the “coaches don’t play” card. My goal now is to up my grades this semester, and I intend to set my mind to that and celebrate my little wins. And in the words of sweet Maya Angelou, “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style.”
